Recently I came to the fact that I was going to lose the guy I love because I was acting like a stupid-jealous-maniac bitch. I don't know if I write this post because I'm afraid it is already over right now, while I'm taping those words. I don't really know why I even write about it actually. Maybe because I need some help, and only words seem to be able to do so. Maybe also because I want to talk to someone and I don't know who, cause nobody listens to me. So I just hope that I'll have some readers tonight, maybe some mails, I just crave for attention I guess. I told you. Stupid-jealous-maniac bitch.
I don't really know what I did wrong today for him to left me alone and don't want to talk to me anymore - just for the night I hope - but I surely know that I screwed up my whole relationship since the start by first of all being a heartless-scaried-cold bitch. Just unable to share any feelings. I guess I was better like this way actually. Maybe not feeling that good in my skin, but he did love me in a different way then. But one day he forced me to open up myself, to be different, he learned me what is what to be in love and how I had to do. But I didn't hear the lesson I guess when I see where we are now. I'm jealous of everything, I feel like he doesn't love me even if in the end I always have to admit that nobody loved me better than him in my whole life. I'm scared to lose him at every second. I'm scared to be taken away from him, to lose the right to love him. I don't know what I do right now. I maybe just hope he will read this post, that he will call me back and tell me he loves me. I surely don't deserve that. I wish he could love me even when I freak out, but seriously, who could. Not good enough for anything I'm trying to learn how to be transparent, how to love without going crazy, how to love just enough. I have to stop chasing him. Because while I'm running after him he runs faster, and I cannot reach him anymore. I see him in the distance, my tears unable me to see his face clearly, but I don't care. Because I don't want to see this look in his eyes, this look that he'll surely have one day since he's dating the worst girl on earth. The last one.
Love you S., I hope you'll read this and look at me like it was the first time you saw me.
xo
A.
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